In With The Old (Haunts), Out With The New
Volume III, Issue I - Spring 2012
  • Welcome to Defunct’s Politics Issue. You might notice that by the time you have read this, the election will be long over and you will know with certainty who the next president of the United States is. If this were any other magazine, we would all deserve to be fired, the whole lot of us. That’s not to say we will conduct no polls, that we will eschew predictions, that we will knock on no doors. We will do all of that. But at a leisurely pace and our door knocking will be at the houses of our friends, asking them if they might let us in for a cup of cocoa on a cold winter’s day. And our polls will not concern politics but whether our friends prefer to listen to music at 78 rpms or 45’s. None of this 33 and a half rpm nonsense for us!

    In case you need reminding, we are not topical, we are not au courant, we are late, late, late with all news analysis and all predictions. We are Defunct, and this is what we stand for: dust, aphasia, erasure.

    We are not going to bombard you with analysis of the latest election, but we’ll take you to Aleppo before the destruction that has lately visited it. We’ll look at the last meals of condemned prisoners and we’ll remember the Washington Mutual debacle.

  • We’ll bring you to the Spanish Civil War and let you know what the latest is on that developed situation and we’ll ask you to consider reviving the art of dueling. We’ll find you unsuitable for membership at a toney Melbourne Ladies Club.

    And for those of you who are sick of politics, we have plenty to satisfy the apathetic, the cynical, and the disenfranchised among you in this issue. Not that we are any of these things. We are quite franchised, idealistic and pathetic. We have core values. Antiquated core values (we’re mostly Royalists here at Defunct and think we should reconsider our split from Britain), but you’ll always know where we stand: behind you, our steely gazes focused on the misty past. Most of us are Tories at Defunct, though we tolerate a few Whigs among the throng of interns working at Defunct HQ. And if the Republicans would consider fielding Wendell Willkie next time around (as a dead politician, he’s unparalleled in his Defunctness), we would throw our considerable support behind him. His campaign song is really catchy (wait, what happened to campaign songs?!):


    Tune: Battle Hymn of the Republic
    The sun is shinin’ brighter in the good old U.S.A.
    The clouds are breakin’ lighter, and they soon will blow away;
    Our Uncle Sam is smiling,- and he’s happy all the day,
    Chorus: We’re for Willkie and McNary
    Ev’ry state they’re goin’ to carry.
    So we’re singin’ and we’re merry
    We all are just a-waitin’ for a bright November day-
    The New Deal will be movin’ far from Washington away;
    And so we are a-shoutin’, - and we’re happy and we’re gay

  • Last, I’d like to welcome our new Managing Editor, Maggie Milstein and thank our past Managing Editor Amy Butcher and our former art editor, Jenny Lewis for all their hard work, and for making Defunct the standard bearer of obsolescence it is today.

    Robin Hemley, Editor

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