Open-Sea Piracy. Records. As in Albums. Record Players, Necessarily. Turntables, if you prefer. Smallpox. Polio. Doc Martens. Avocado-green kitchens. Cocaine. Big Sunglasses. Home Gardens. The Dinner Party. The Mustache. The Buffalo. The unblemished enjoyment of Michael Jackson's pre-Dangerous oeuvre. Knitting, crocheting, and quilting. DIY in general. Cottage Industry. E-commerce. E-_________ in general. Heroin. The Red-and-Black Lumberjack. Flannel shirts in general. Genocide. Flip-Flops. Yellow Wallpaper. The Auroch. The Woolly Mammoth, Maybe. The McRib. The Wolf, Black Bear, and Mountain Lion. Caffeinated Beverages With Real Cane Sugar (Throwback Mountain Dew? Whaaat?). Large-Scale Nuclear Disaster. The Cultural Viability of Scripture-Based Models of The Universe. The California Condor (Maybe). The Question of Whether a Woman May Legally Chose What To Do With Her Body. The Progression Towards Universal Health Care. The National Pendulum Swing Towards Proudly, Belligerently Uninformed. Large Automobiles. Taking it to the Streets-Style Activism on the Part of the Left. The Popularity of Reagan. Genocide, Again. First-World Blinders.

Earnestness. The Illusion of Objectivity. Consumer-Level Magnetic Tape Storage Systems—Cassettes, Eight Tracks, Floppy Discs (of both the 5.25" and 3.5" variety). The Laser Disc. The Pause to Consider Before Breaking a Twenty. Small-Face Paper Money. Paper Money. The Tramp Stamp. Nose Piercings on Dudes. Belly Button Piercings on Either Sex. The Word "Indie" When Speaking of Music. The Word "Alternative" When Speaking of Music. The Word "Alternative" When Speaking of Culture. The Cultural Capital of Elvis. Las Vegas. Drinking From Streams in Most of the United States. New Albums by Tupac (it took a while, but). AIDS for Non-IV-Drug-Using Straight White Males. Old Men Who Can't Get It Up. The Prostate Exam of Yesteryear (odd how they haven't come out with a analogue (pardon the unavoidable word choice) for breast exams). Dinosaurs. Dodo Birds. Passenger Pigeons. The Giant Ground Sloth. Australopithecus africanus. Homo heidelbergensis. Homo neanderthalensis (Maybe, Mostly, Depending on Whom You Ask). 99.9 Percent of All Species That Have Ever Existed Ever in the History of the World, So Far as Scientist-Types Can Figure. First World Child Labor. For Now. 'Til Death Do Us Part. Guilt-Free Diamonds. Guilt-Free Precious Metals. First World Guilt. Great Apes and Elephants, Unfortunately Enough. The Pull Tab. Crystal Pepsi. New Coke. Red Dye #5. It Being Cool To Have a Beer While Driving With Kids in the Car. It Being Cool To Smoke With Kids In The Car. It Being Cool To Smoke In Restaurants. It Being Cool To Smoke In Bars. It Being Cool To Smoke Inside. It Being Cool To Smoke.

Fire. The Ability to Control Fire. To Mark One's Place In The Darkness. The Making of Stone Tools. The Passing on From Elders to Youngers The Necessary Skills to Navigate A World With Fire. Acceleration. Acceleration accelerating. We move on fairly quickly to Water. Hydration. Irrigation. Epochal Rubicons of Culture. Domestication of Plants and Animals. Irrigation, again. The Water Must Flow Where We Say It Must. An Ever-Quickening Blink. Exponential Cultural Acceleration. The Search for Meaning in Life. The Steam Engine. The Assembly Line. The Weekend. Everybody, Thereafter, Working For The Weekend. Everybody Working on His or Her Respective Night Moves. Mating Displays. The Big Mac. Limited Access to Sexual Partners as Biological Determinant. Access to Sexual Partners as Peer Group Status Determinant. (Probably Not, Unfortunately Enough, Going Anywhere. Sorry, Poindexter.) The Internal Combustion Engine. (Not Going Anywhere Anytime (Real) Soon.) The Perpetual Recasting of Image, Searching For A Face To Meet The Faces You Will Meet. The Interweb. Interweb Porn. The Pornography Industrial Complex. (Whither, Interweb, Twenty Years Ago?). Drugs. Needing More Stimuli/Dosage to Achieve the Same Effect. The Trend Towards Bigger, Faster, Stronger. The Trend Towards Smaller, Faster, Cheaper. Invisible Cost Increasing and Becoming Harder to See. The Political Vogue of Passive Voice and Plausible Deniability. The Subsumation of the Urban Proletarian's Struggle by Means of That Fake-Thug-R&B-Rap Scenario. The Void's Ever-Expanding Maw. The Ever-Increasing Thirst for Power—in Mega- and Giga- and Terawatts. The Ubiquity of the AK-47. The Ubiquity of the 7.62 mm Round. The Glib Sociopathy of Youth qua Bravery and/or Temporary Immortality. The Hunger in The Old For The Semblance or Seeming of Youth. The Earnestness of Youth (Or Maybe Not). The Cynicality of Age and Perspective (Certainly Not). The _________ of __________. Death. Taxes. Cheaters Prospering. Suckers Being Born. Stars Being Made. Stars Falling. The Inflationary Devaluation of Shooting Stars Vis a Vis the Inclusion of Airplanes in the List of Things One Can Wish Upon. The Near-Instantaneous Devaluation of Pop Cultural Signifiers. With the Exception of The Phrase "Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture." Which, Like So Many Other Things Included Here in Category the Third (And Final), Has Achieved The Kind of Tenacious Not-Going-Anywhere-ness Usually Associated with Dental Plaque, Cellulite, Bed Bugs and Cheaters Prospering. The Privatization of The Combat Zone. The Other as Scapegoat. These Ever-Shifting Images on the Marquee Screen, Their Forms Strange Yet Familiar as a Lover's Touch (Oh Brave New World! / 'Tis New to Thee). Drugs, Again. The Love of Drugs. The Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex. Freshman Composition Essays on Why Weed Should Be Legal, Man. Bob Marley's Legends Blowing Freshmen's Minds. Grand Mal, Full-Body, Convulsive Disillusionment in a Certain Type of Romantic Young Sociopath When They Turn Twenty-Eight and are Still Alive. The Search for Meaning in Music. The Epiphanic Model. The Consequences of Living in a Body and on a Planet. The Search For Meaning in Death. The Dark Solace of Schadenfreude. The Ever-Ravening Maw of Reality Television qua Schadenfreude Catalyst. The Search for Meaning in Suffering (Gracias, Billie Holliday and James Baldwin). Hard Bop, Despite the Best Efforts of Smooth Jazz. The Cultural Carpetbaggery of White People From the Suburbs (The Search for Meaning in Cultures Not One's Own). The Search for Meaning in Chicken's Entrails and/or Tealeaves and/or Chinese Restaurant Placemats and/or Astronomical Phenomena and/or Natural Disaster and/or Various Books of Purportedly Divine Origin. The Personal and Cultural Necessity of Narrative (Gracias, Aristotle and Bob Dylan). The Search for Meaning in What Might Well Be Blind-Fucking-Happenstance, Narrative Retrospectively Attached Thereto. Hard Rains Falling. Hope Springing Eternal. Love. Hate. Indifference. The Keening Desire/Base Necessity to Filter, Contextualize, Interpret and Thereby Simplify a World That is Ever-Outwardly-Expanding in its Complexity and Thus Impossible-to-Pin-Down-More-Than-a-Merest-Fraction-Thereof.